Adder and Sand Lizard painted rock

For sale on Ebay www.ebay.co.uk/usr/andyzine

Handpainted rock ornament, which stands up by itself. Featuring an Adder and Sand lizard, in amongst the heather in a heather moorland.

14 x 5 x 1cms.

I painted this in New Forest, my inspiration obviously being the Adder and Sand lizard - even though i didn't see any! Maybe it was too late in the year, maybe someone told them i was coming. Who knows.

I actually got this rock from the Exmoor coast. I believe its some kind of slate that has been weathered and smoothed by the sea. I was going to use it as a whetstone until i realised how long it takes to file down a rock to a perfectly flat surface. Which by the way, is ages.

Will be painting a lot more in the future.

Au Volant

When i first got to France. Driving was like i'd just past my test again. Driving on the wrong side of the road. Going round roundabouts, anti clockwise, didn't know the speed limits, didn't have a clue what any of the road signs meant. People beepin at me. I was holding everyone up like a granny. One guy expressed his anger as he overtook me. But to be fair i was driving through some breathtaking mountainous terrain and was mainly looking out the window.
I found out in some places theres a rule where you have to give way to the right. Which explains the occasional beeping. Sometimes it involves stopping mid round about.
Now i've got used to it im flyin! People think twice before overtakin me and even I get stuck behind a granny.
Still dont have a clue what the road signs mean.
In the north its really flat, driving through the countryside is great because there are no hedges so you can see far. In the south its really hilly and the verglas is bloody frequent.
Peak periods seem to only be around midday. Saturday and sunday are the best days for driving. Almost no one on the roads. Where does everyone go? Wherever it is they walk there. There seem to be a lot of young hitchhikers, which would explain the lack of cars on the road even though theres an auto école in every town. Maybe its too expensive for them to drive. Even though fuel is cheap and free parking places are everywhere. They only seem to drive french cars. If you dont drive a Berlingo round here you're a bloody nobody.

Frog painted on rock

I painted this for a friend but she didn't seem too enthusiastic about seeing me so i'm gonna sell it instead.
I found it at Gorges du Verdon/Verdon Gorge in France.
It was the last rock of the day, my knees were already shattered. Shouldn't have took it really cos i already had a bag full and kept telling myself to stop looking at rocks. But i saw this one and it looked good to paint. I thought if i carry it in my hand it wont add to the weight, but i was only lying to myself.

My mates the Gendarmerie

In Britain, as long as you're off the road and not on private land, thats classed as legally parked.
However in France im still confused as to where i can park. I'm constantly being hassled by the police, "what are you doing here?", "are you on the run from the UK?" "You cant park here" etc etc.
The first time it happened i was in a farmers field. Which is understandable but he was more concerned that i was lost and didn't even ask me to leave.
The second time i was in a lay by in the middle of nowhere. Some dude peers in through my window. People do this a lot and it pisses me off.
About a hour later the police turn up. "Are you on the run from the UK", "why dont you sleep in a hotel?" How hard is it to understand that some people live in a van?
At this point i did some research on where i can park. Turns out there are designated sites for campervans. Great i'll stay there. Download the app. Dont even have to look on maps for places.
So first night in "Aires de Camping-Cars". Everyone else had massive proper campervans. Theres me in me little berlingo parked in a bay twice as wide.
The next morning, bloody Gendarmerie again! "You cant park here!" "Camping cars only" Mate its got a bed in it. I camp in it. Camping car.
So from this i gathered i can only park in car parks. Which is alright because there are loads of them and nearly always free outside of a city.
A lot of the aires sites cost money in the south and i did follow someone through the barrier without paying once.
So i parked in a car park in a nature reserve, which in Britain are guaranteed hassle free zones.
The next morning there was this guy shiftily walking back and forth past my van. One of my side windows was open a bit. He cant see in cos if the window tints. As he went to peer in i put my eyes right infront of the gap. Absolutely filled his pants haha.
Then later a bloody forest ranger turns up saying i cant sleep here. Even though i slept in a bin (read earlier post).
The next night i was going to another aires de campingcars but it was another bloody paid one. So i found a carpark near by and parked there.
Bout midnight i woke up with people shining torches in my windows. Bloody Gendarmerie again. I was sick of em by this point so jus ignored them and hoped they go away. Which they did. Then made a hastily retreat in the morning. Even though it was absolutely sloshin down, thunder and lihtning and could barely see the road.
I don't know why i get hassled by the police so much, I think they must have told every police force in the entire country that I'm here and they've been monitoring me.
That is the only explanation.

Oscar the Grouch

It all started at the U Express in Cassis.
I had to buy some baccy and it's the first thing i had to buy, by stringing half a sentence together.  Saying bonjour, merci in the shop is bad enough.
When i got to the Tabac shop, she wouldn't accept cards so had to find a cash machine. The town was nice had a marina with loads of boats and a dude selling weird fish.
So i got the baccy. Wasnt even that big of a deal in the end.
To celebrate i got some beers from U then drove up to the mountain. I wanted to park near the top of the mountain or one of the clanaques but hadnt been able to park anywhere near as close as i thought i would.
Walked up to the mountain. It was so windy, wasnt really feelin it. My tripod blew away. Wanted to walk to the clanaques but it would take to long and i was nearly out of beer.

So i decided to walk to town. Only 30% battery left. Big mistake.
I walked down the mountain.
Obviously not following any particular path that i could remember to get back easily.
When i got to the coast i decided to walk along the cliffs, wasnt too difficult in my slightly inebriated state. But part of it was through a military base. Then the rest was like some hotel grounds.
When i got into town, walked to a bar. 9 euros for a pint! Tried to talk to some french people. They werent interested.

Then i went to U express again to get more beer, cheese and biscuits. Then started heading back as it was nearly dark. My phone was very low on battery at this point so i quickly checked a map.

After not drinking for a couple months i got steaming unexpectedly quick. The rest of the journey is quite blurry.
I remember talking to a couple of van dwellers in a red van, I think one was french and one was dutch. I tried speaking french but they generally didnt have a clue what i was saying.
I sat down outside a hotel and must have fallen asleep. I remember being sick then going to sit on another bench so no one would think its me. Even though it was night time and there was no one there. Then this guy kept comin out and sayin i can't sleep here. It must have been quite late cos i was wondering why is he still at work.
I explained (tried to) my battery had ran out and i dont know how to get back to my van. He didn't understand me. I doubt even an english person could understand me at this point. So i left.
Think i might have left my cheese and biscuits here.

At this point i was extremely thirsty so went knocking on vans hoping someone would give me some water. There seemed to be a lot of vans parked around here. If i had parked here then probably one of them would have been mine. Luckily someone answered. He was asleep so think it must have been quite late at night. But atleast i got hydrated and it ignited my will to survive.
Now it had gotten quite cold and i thought a fire would be a good idea even if i got arrested atleast i'd have somewhere to sleep.
I went to slightly wooded area at the side of the road and set up a fire. But then i remembered my only lighter had broken earlier, probably to my benefit.

After id gotten the water i felt a lot better anyway so started lookin through bins for more food and water. Found quite a lot more water actually in a cool big jug with a tap which i was gonna keep. It was quite a large bin so i climbed inside for a sleep.
In the morning i got woken by the bin lorry. Luckily the bin man looked inside and to his surprise, i was sleeping in there. He did say something to me which i think was dont sleep in bins cos its dangerous.
They threw away my water jug :/

So i walked back to the shop. Again.
Along the way i recognised all the places id been to the night before. I think id jus been wandering up and down the same street all night.
Got some orange soda from the shop.
I knew id parked near 'Les Clanaques' so when i saw a sign i jus followed them. All the way back through the places id already been.
I left the town and went down a cliff. By this point my knees where in intense pain. Ive had knee problems for the past couple weeks from walking up sub zero mountains in shorts. Also probably because im usually carrying a bag full of rocks.
I got onto a path and quickly noticed the way which i came from. But i remembered how knee shatteringly treacherous that was. So i continued the path along the valley floor. The place was amazing but i couldnt take any photos cos my phone had died. I was walkin for ages and ages, every so often thinking i should turn back and walk the way i knew. But kept on going. Eventually... i reached a familiar road which led up to where id parked.

From my last video which i presume is about the time my battery ran out at about 19:00 it took me 17 hours to find my van cos i got there about 12 midday.
That is by far the longest ive ever been lost for and jus shows how much we rely on phones. Which is the only lesson ive learned from this experience.

Then later in the day a forest ranger knocks on my window and says i can't sleep here!!
Well actually...
He gave me a written warning and a map of all the places i can't sleep. Cheers mate. Back to the bin is it.

The next day i found a piece of paper in my van with a really, really badly drawn picture of a van on it. It's really just a scribble. I can't remember this part of the night but i think it was an attempt at communicating id lost my van.

Snakes and Adders

When i was in New Forest, i spent two weeks looking for adders. In the end i had to give up and go to a reptile park.

Now im in south of France somewhere not far from Marseille. Stopped in a car park to have a poo. Went into a bush and there was one right there! Nearly stood on the bloody thing before it slithered off into a stream and disappeared. Probably not a strong swimmer.
Saw a couple of lizards aswell.

Then i walked a bit further down the stream and saw this horrible thing lurkin on a bridge. Luckily id already been for a poo otherwise it would have been in me pants.

Like a bear

In 2006 i never would have thought that ten years later i would have got lost so many times going for a poo. Go for a little walk to find a decent bush. Once i've successfully avoided pooing on my own shoes, i realise i can't remember which direction i came from.
Wild poos are really quite common here aswell.
In France its not jus their dogs that poo everywhere. Its people too. Theyre not even discrete about it. Ive seen whole families jus squatting in a line at the side of the road. Passing the toilet roll like a doobie.
But on the other hand, poo has also helped me find my way.
When im out walking, the paths aren't always clearly marked and often disappear. Occasionally im greeted by a pile of tissues and human excrement. This tells me ive wandered off the path slightly.
Some places it was more than just occasionally. Went on a walk through Verdon Gorge. It was bloody everywhere. Every corner, every little alcove. The path couldn't have been more clear.
Saw this really cool cave and ran into it excitedly. Full of poo. It should of been called Turdon Gorge.

Araignée de Grande Bretagne

Smuggled this guy in from the UK. Wasn't very good at controlling the fly population. Until one day he ate three flies that were near enough as big as he is.

Never saw him again after that. All i can imagine is he grew too fat to fit out his little hiding spot.

Mont Guillaume et Pointe 2643, Embrun

Today I walked up Mont Guillaume and some adjacent summits. I parked near the top with the intention of starting first thing in the morning.
When i woke up i decided to see if i could drive closer. Couldn't really see out the windscreen because it was half frozen and still dark. There was no one about and i wasnt even on a proper road. Probably the most bumpy road ive ever driven on.
Found somewhere to park and had dinner. As it got light i noticed the road was actually a river bed. That explains all the rocks.
I started the ascent. From looking at maps i had a vague idea of which way to go. But that didn't take into account the barely visible path and electric fences all over the place. As well as the hundreds of frozen cow pats and cows with bells round their necks. I think this isnt a regularly walked route.
After some slight directional confusion i discovered some more defined paths. Even signs. There was a sign with a picture of a guy climbing up a cliff with a rope so i thought id go that way.
It wasnt too long before i could hear some wolves. Was quite surprised there'd be wolves round here. They seemed to be getting closer the more i walked. Bloody great. I'm gonna get killed by wolves. I thought it wasn't really worth turning back just to avoid getting eaten by wolves so i carried on.
Turns out it was jus a load of people with guns and dogs.
They were walking up the steepest path id ever seen which goes pretty much straight up the mountain. Looks like a vehicle path but i have no idea what vehicle could go up there without tipping.
I got to a stream with some cool ice formations. There was also a little chapel like thing.

I was out of the forest now and walking up cold rocky terrain. Patches of snow had started to appear. There was also a lot of poo with berries across this mountain. Some of it had so many berries it was bright red. It wasn't deer poo, more like cat poo but couldn't figure out what it was from.
Nearly at the top now. Decided to take a short cut. Totally paid off. Looking down I could see the route i would have took and think i jus saved half an hour. Could have easily got completely lost though.
At the top of Guillaume there was another chapel. There seem to be a lot of these about. Dont really fancy walking all the way up here just for the sunday service.
There were some cool views. Saw the road I drove to get here. Looks like a tiny squiggle from up here.

Walked across a few adjacent peaks. Was quite windy and my hands and face went numb very quickly.
On my way down i was on a south facing slope which was considerably warmer but still not far off zero. Surprisingly a lot of crickets way up here.
The way down was a lot more straight forward. Its just down isnt it. Amazes me how people get lost going down.
Obviously had to stop several times to look for cool rocks to fill my bag. Don't want it to be too easy.
I remebered a serious lack of cliffs going up and had a closer look at these signs on the way down. Turns out, the guy going up a cliff with a rope, was actually a guy holding a ski.
As i got closer to the bottom i could feel my knees wearing away. The rocks aren't even worth it yano. Always chuck a few out when i get to me van because they dont stand up. Which is the final evaluation of every rock.
The cow pats at the bottom had now defrosted. I was wondering if the only way to get a decent cross section of a cow pat would be to smash a frozen one. If you cut a fresh one with a knife, i imagine it would just squidge like cutting a soft brownie or somthing. Surely there is someone whos taken this further than a thought.

Spoon

My spork broke again. The first time i just ductaped it back together. Didnt last long before it snapped into three pieces.
Tried finishing my dinner with a honey jar lid. Added a new dimension of flavour to my tinned cabbage and rice but didn't quite cut it as an eating utensil.
This time i decided to jus whittle a new spoon.
After about 5 minutes of frantic whittling i realised this is not gonna get finished before my dinner goes cold.
So i decided to split the end of a stick and wedge the broken spoon into the end like an arrow head. Then hold it in place with a cable tie. Ingenuity at its finest.
It was only barely usable, when the spoon didnt fall off and have to scoop it out me dinner. I persisted with this scenario every day for a week until i finally decided to buy the new spoon.
I've never been so relieved to own a spoon. It made eating my dinner so much easier.
Never take spoons for granted.

Mont Chamechaude

Went up my first alpine mountain today. Technically the Pre-Alps but its still the Alps. Not really sure what the name means but chaud means hot.
Got there a lot later than i inteded and couldn't park as close as i expected so that added maybe an extra hour to the walk but that was ok at this point.
The first bit was steep, surprisingly a lot steeper than it looked on a flat two dimensional map. I couldn't really be bothered saying bonjour to everyone on the way up cos it was Saturday and quite busy. So i decided to go off the path and through a forest. Which was even steeper. Hands and knees steep. Had to take several breaks. Think i rushed too much at the start.
Then it opened up through some meadows and scree slopes. Still bloody steep. Heard some dogs so thought maybe im near a path cos i could really do with a path right now.
The dogs came and went with no one following them and no path. I think they were hunting dogs.
Eventually i saw some people on a path. Looked like they were wondering why i was walking up a really steep bit and not the path.
Saw this really cool big rock and had a climb up it. I was definitely nearer the top than the bottom now. But as soon as id got onto the path id lost it again.

The next bit involved climbing up some cliffs. I'm sure it wasn't supposed to but i hadn't seen a path for a while and that way was up.
Climbed up the first set of cliffs. Beginning to think this was a bad idea.
On the next set of cliffs i saw an Ibex! Obviously i couldn't take a photo because id lose my three points, it scuttled off before i could have got my camera out my pocket anyway. Probably silently laughing at my cliff scaling inadequacies.

That was pretty cool but now i was thinking am i gonna get up and down before its dark. I nearly turned back a few times. It was 17:30 now. I kept thinking, i'll jus do a bit more.
Then eventually after many bit mores i persevered and got to the top. It felt amazing and i still had a few hours light left.

From the top i could see clearly the path to the bottom it looked so easy and navigable, i'm glad i went the hard way.
About half way down i saw a toilet. This is the first toilet ive seen on my travels and surprised for it to be half way up a mountain and made from breeze blocks and a plank. Didn't need a poo but i might have used it for the novelty of it.

Dyin and Doggin

Need a sign in my window that says, "I'm not a dogger and I'm not dead".
You'd be surprised how many times people have knocked on my window and when i open the door they say, "oh we thought you were dead".
You've never met me in your life?! What made you think i'd died?!
The doggers aren't as bad. Usually they jus flash their lights or beep the horn. A couple of times they have peered through the window. I stare right back at them but its tinted so you can't see inside. Next time im jus gna scream really loud and see what they do.

Return of the ticks.

Noticed another tick on me again today. Luckily, before it had chosen a place to take hold. Pretty big compared to the others in New Forest.
One day i pulled off five ticks. Most of them in my groinal area. They really don't wanna let go either.
You haven't lived until you've pulled a tick off your foreskin i can tell ya.

First Shopping Experience

It had come to the time where i had to go into a shop and buy food. I was very apprehensive. I thought i'd jus buy a couple of things. In and out.
Had a little wander round. It was only a small Carrefour. Decided on cheese and some petit beurres.
Went to the till and was standing behind an old woman and her buddy. Thought i could jus buy these things then scurry back to my van.
Then suddenly, the old woman started talking to me. I jus smiled and hoped she would stop.
But she kept goin!
I didn't have a clue what she was saying.
It was getting intense. My French was very limited at this point but I had to say something.
"Je suis anglais" I'm not even sure she understood what i said but the till girl said somthing to her. I thought it was finally over. But then she was tryna get me to kiss her granny mate! Why do this?! British people can be pretty shady to foreigners but we don't make them kiss a granny.
How could my first shopping experience have gone this badly.

New Forest

Living in a van is quite weird actually. Im in a car park. The last car has just left, except mine. They are probably all going home to their houses. But im staying here and going to sleep. Then ill wake up and still be here.
Im always home. Home is where the cars parked.
Earlier today i got lost because i went for a poo and forgot to mark on a map where id parked.
Didn't really matter though. As long as it takes less than three days to get back. Which it probably wouldn't. I never feel lost.

Kimmeridge and the Fossil Hunter

This morning i went for a poo and fell backwards into a red ants nest.
Now i know what it means to have ants in your pants.

I'd decided to go to a waterfall in Kimmeridge, I was nearly there an i noticed a car parking charges sign. But before i had a chance to turn round, a little old woman ran out of a shack with a ticket. "That'll be five pounds please!"
I could see the person behind me doing a three pointer.
I reluctantly dipped into my tin of coins and watched her as she counted it. What dont you trust me?!
She asked if i'd been here before. Well obviously not cos i woulda parked down the road.
She told me a bit about the place and said i could stay until 10pm.
Dont you worry pal! Ive just paid 5 quid to get in, 9:59 ill still be here!
So i drove down to the beach. Seeing as id paid i was gonna get as close as possible. Front wheels were in the sea.

So i go for a walk. Turns out the place i originally wanted to go, is miles away.
Ive got all day mayswell walk there.
For some reason, when i was close to my van and realised it was miles away, i didn't go back to get water.
I'd been walking for about an hour and had become quite thirsty in this hot weather. Didn't want a repeat of the other week so i found an empty bottle and collected some water that was dribbling down a cliff. Didn't drink too much incase there was a dead sheep in it or somthin. Its happened before..

Something that i've been trying to do is say hello to people. Id been walking along this shore line for about 2 hours now and i saw my first person.
Now this guy wasn't your regular lookin guy. If you've ever seen the fossil hunter from Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire in the desert bit, this is him.
Also at this point id reached an area where the cliff meets the shore and thought id have to wade through it. But then this guy jus scuttled over some rocks. I said hello to him, then completely by accident i said somthing extra. Don't know why i did it. Maybe i was in a good mood.
Couldn't have gone worse, he thought id initiated a conversation. Then he said somthin as he was staring out to sea, but i didn't hear what he'd said. I didn't really know what to say, i didnt have any pokémon, so jus walked off.
As i got round the cliff the waterfall was right there. I was gonna walk straight back once id got here. Now im gonna have to hang around for a bit until hes further down the beach. So i played with a dead seagull and made a dam out of big rocks. Probably shouldn't have done any heavy lifting seeing as i was two hours from my van and only had a little bit of stream water to drink and it was bloody hot!

As i got closer to where id parked i saw this funny lookin boat close to shore. Kinda looked like a mini motorboat with a roof. There was a group of people staring at it aswell.
It was my bloody van wasn't it.
Forgot about the tide coming in. Luckily since loads of people were down there with their boats, a guy pulled it to shore with his landrover.