Adder and Sand Lizard painted rock

For sale on Ebay www.ebay.co.uk/usr/andyzine

Handpainted rock ornament, which stands up by itself. Featuring an Adder and Sand lizard, in amongst the heather in a heather moorland.

14 x 5 x 1cms.

I painted this in New Forest, my inspiration obviously being the Adder and Sand lizard - even though i didn't see any! Maybe it was too late in the year, maybe someone told them i was coming. Who knows.

I actually got this rock from the Exmoor coast. I believe its some kind of slate that has been weathered and smoothed by the sea. I was going to use it as a whetstone until i realised how long it takes to file down a rock to a perfectly flat surface. Which by the way, is ages.

Will be painting a lot more in the future.

Au Volant

When i first got to France. Driving was like i'd just past my test again. Driving on the wrong side of the road. Going round roundabouts, anti clockwise, didn't know the speed limits, didn't have a clue what any of the road signs meant. People beepin at me. I was holding everyone up like a granny. One guy expressed his anger as he overtook me. But to be fair i was driving through some breathtaking mountainous terrain and was mainly looking out the window.
I found out in some places theres a rule where you have to give way to the right. Which explains the occasional beeping. Sometimes it involves stopping mid round about.
Now i've got used to it im flyin! People think twice before overtakin me and even I get stuck behind a granny.
Still dont have a clue what the road signs mean.
In the north its really flat, driving through the countryside is great because there are no hedges so you can see far. In the south its really hilly and the verglas is bloody frequent.
Peak periods seem to only be around midday. Saturday and sunday are the best days for driving. Almost no one on the roads. Where does everyone go? Wherever it is they walk there. There seem to be a lot of young hitchhikers, which would explain the lack of cars on the road even though theres an auto école in every town. Maybe its too expensive for them to drive. Even though fuel is cheap and free parking places are everywhere. They only seem to drive french cars. If you dont drive a Berlingo round here you're a bloody nobody.

Frog painted on rock

I painted this for a friend but she didn't seem too enthusiastic about seeing me so i'm gonna sell it instead.
I found it at Gorges du Verdon/Verdon Gorge in France.
It was the last rock of the day, my knees were already shattered. Shouldn't have took it really cos i already had a bag full and kept telling myself to stop looking at rocks. But i saw this one and it looked good to paint. I thought if i carry it in my hand it wont add to the weight, but i was only lying to myself.

My mates the Gendarmerie

In Britain, as long as you're off the road and not on private land, thats classed as legally parked.
However in France im still confused as to where i can park. I'm constantly being hassled by the police, "what are you doing here?", "are you on the run from the UK?" "You cant park here" etc etc.
The first time it happened i was in a farmers field. Which is understandable but he was more concerned that i was lost and didn't even ask me to leave.
The second time i was in a lay by in the middle of nowhere. Some dude peers in through my window. People do this a lot and it pisses me off.
About a hour later the police turn up. "Are you on the run from the UK", "why dont you sleep in a hotel?" How hard is it to understand that some people live in a van?
At this point i did some research on where i can park. Turns out there are designated sites for campervans. Great i'll stay there. Download the app. Dont even have to look on maps for places.
So first night in "Aires de Camping-Cars". Everyone else had massive proper campervans. Theres me in me little berlingo parked in a bay twice as wide.
The next morning, bloody Gendarmerie again! "You cant park here!" "Camping cars only" Mate its got a bed in it. I camp in it. Camping car.
So from this i gathered i can only park in car parks. Which is alright because there are loads of them and nearly always free outside of a city.
A lot of the aires sites cost money in the south and i did follow someone through the barrier without paying once.
So i parked in a car park in a nature reserve, which in Britain are guaranteed hassle free zones.
The next morning there was this guy shiftily walking back and forth past my van. One of my side windows was open a bit. He cant see in cos if the window tints. As he went to peer in i put my eyes right infront of the gap. Absolutely filled his pants haha.
Then later a bloody forest ranger turns up saying i cant sleep here. Even though i slept in a bin (read earlier post).
The next night i was going to another aires de campingcars but it was another bloody paid one. So i found a carpark near by and parked there.
Bout midnight i woke up with people shining torches in my windows. Bloody Gendarmerie again. I was sick of em by this point so jus ignored them and hoped they go away. Which they did. Then made a hastily retreat in the morning. Even though it was absolutely sloshin down, thunder and lihtning and could barely see the road.
I don't know why i get hassled by the police so much, I think they must have told every police force in the entire country that I'm here and they've been monitoring me.
That is the only explanation.

Oscar the Grouch

It all started at the U Express in Cassis.
I had to buy some baccy and it's the first thing i had to buy, by stringing half a sentence together.  Saying bonjour, merci in the shop is bad enough.
When i got to the Tabac shop, she wouldn't accept cards so had to find a cash machine. The town was nice had a marina with loads of boats and a dude selling weird fish.
So i got the baccy. Wasnt even that big of a deal in the end.
To celebrate i got some beers from U then drove up to the mountain. I wanted to park near the top of the mountain or one of the clanaques but hadnt been able to park anywhere near as close as i thought i would.
Walked up to the mountain. It was so windy, wasnt really feelin it. My tripod blew away. Wanted to walk to the clanaques but it would take to long and i was nearly out of beer.

So i decided to walk to town. Only 30% battery left. Big mistake.
I walked down the mountain.
Obviously not following any particular path that i could remember to get back easily.
When i got to the coast i decided to walk along the cliffs, wasnt too difficult in my slightly inebriated state. But part of it was through a military base. Then the rest was like some hotel grounds.
When i got into town, walked to a bar. 9 euros for a pint! Tried to talk to some french people. They werent interested.

Then i went to U express again to get more beer, cheese and biscuits. Then started heading back as it was nearly dark. My phone was very low on battery at this point so i quickly checked a map.

After not drinking for a couple months i got steaming unexpectedly quick. The rest of the journey is quite blurry.
I remember talking to a couple of van dwellers in a red van, I think one was french and one was dutch. I tried speaking french but they generally didnt have a clue what i was saying.
I sat down outside a hotel and must have fallen asleep. I remember being sick then going to sit on another bench so no one would think its me. Even though it was night time and there was no one there. Then this guy kept comin out and sayin i can't sleep here. It must have been quite late cos i was wondering why is he still at work.
I explained (tried to) my battery had ran out and i dont know how to get back to my van. He didn't understand me. I doubt even an english person could understand me at this point. So i left.
Think i might have left my cheese and biscuits here.

At this point i was extremely thirsty so went knocking on vans hoping someone would give me some water. There seemed to be a lot of vans parked around here. If i had parked here then probably one of them would have been mine. Luckily someone answered. He was asleep so think it must have been quite late at night. But atleast i got hydrated and it ignited my will to survive.
Now it had gotten quite cold and i thought a fire would be a good idea even if i got arrested atleast i'd have somewhere to sleep.
I went to slightly wooded area at the side of the road and set up a fire. But then i remembered my only lighter had broken earlier, probably to my benefit.

After id gotten the water i felt a lot better anyway so started lookin through bins for more food and water. Found quite a lot more water actually in a cool big jug with a tap which i was gonna keep. It was quite a large bin so i climbed inside for a sleep.
In the morning i got woken by the bin lorry. Luckily the bin man looked inside and to his surprise, i was sleeping in there. He did say something to me which i think was dont sleep in bins cos its dangerous.
They threw away my water jug :/

So i walked back to the shop. Again.
Along the way i recognised all the places id been to the night before. I think id jus been wandering up and down the same street all night.
Got some orange soda from the shop.
I knew id parked near 'Les Clanaques' so when i saw a sign i jus followed them. All the way back through the places id already been.
I left the town and went down a cliff. By this point my knees where in intense pain. Ive had knee problems for the past couple weeks from walking up sub zero mountains in shorts. Also probably because im usually carrying a bag full of rocks.
I got onto a path and quickly noticed the way which i came from. But i remembered how knee shatteringly treacherous that was. So i continued the path along the valley floor. The place was amazing but i couldnt take any photos cos my phone had died. I was walkin for ages and ages, every so often thinking i should turn back and walk the way i knew. But kept on going. Eventually... i reached a familiar road which led up to where id parked.

From my last video which i presume is about the time my battery ran out at about 19:00 it took me 17 hours to find my van cos i got there about 12 midday.
That is by far the longest ive ever been lost for and jus shows how much we rely on phones. Which is the only lesson ive learned from this experience.

Then later in the day a forest ranger knocks on my window and says i can't sleep here!!
Well actually...
He gave me a written warning and a map of all the places i can't sleep. Cheers mate. Back to the bin is it.

The next day i found a piece of paper in my van with a really, really badly drawn picture of a van on it. It's really just a scribble. I can't remember this part of the night but i think it was an attempt at communicating id lost my van.

Snakes and Adders

When i was in New Forest, i spent two weeks looking for adders. In the end i had to give up and go to a reptile park.

Now im in south of France somewhere not far from Marseille. Stopped in a car park to have a poo. Went into a bush and there was one right there! Nearly stood on the bloody thing before it slithered off into a stream and disappeared. Probably not a strong swimmer.
Saw a couple of lizards aswell.

Then i walked a bit further down the stream and saw this horrible thing lurkin on a bridge. Luckily id already been for a poo otherwise it would have been in me pants.

Like a bear

In 2006 i never would have thought that ten years later i would have got lost so many times going for a poo. Go for a little walk to find a decent bush. Once i've successfully avoided pooing on my own shoes, i realise i can't remember which direction i came from.
Wild poos are really quite common here aswell.
In France its not jus their dogs that poo everywhere. Its people too. Theyre not even discrete about it. Ive seen whole families jus squatting in a line at the side of the road. Passing the toilet roll like a doobie.
But on the other hand, poo has also helped me find my way.
When im out walking, the paths aren't always clearly marked and often disappear. Occasionally im greeted by a pile of tissues and human excrement. This tells me ive wandered off the path slightly.
Some places it was more than just occasionally. Went on a walk through Verdon Gorge. It was bloody everywhere. Every corner, every little alcove. The path couldn't have been more clear.
Saw this really cool cave and ran into it excitedly. Full of poo. It should of been called Turdon Gorge.